Lesson Learned When I was Like an Open Wound
Master your feelings. Manage your emotions. Conceal your intentions. I’ve been telling all these phrases to myself a lot more often now than before. I don’t know. Things change, people change. Something must have brought me into this whole new perspective now…I have always been known to be transparent about how I feel on most of the things.. You’ll know if I’m having a good day when you see me humming or singing a song even if I cannot carry a tune. You’ll know I’m happy when you see me laughing with mouth wide open like I’m about to bite McDonald’s super burger! A not so close colleague back in my first working station once posted on my FB wall about how she missed having me around in school, the possitive approach that I instill into my work mates, the culture of happiness and openness that I create whenever I’m with a group and how I made her forget about all her problems at home even for a short while and just laugh with the present...
Nostalgic. That’s how I always describe it. To think of the good old days when all you wanna do is make others happy. When seeing someone smile is the best part of the day…When ending the day with a happy heart because you know that the day was never wasted because you’ve made a difference somehow with the people around you.. When you see yourself taking a pride with the work that you do…I loved what I do and I believed in what I do..and that has made all the difference during those days when I was too tired to get out of bed. I used to see the goodness in each person I meet in the hallway. I used to believe that someone could change, could improve and could be better. I used to believe that one day ill leave this place a lot better than I found it.
You see, those were all in the past tense. Those were the days. That was then. I woke up a lot of mornings since then and decided to be someone different than what and who I used to be. It’s hard being the one who always thinks on the positive side mainly because they think they can just tell you how fucked up they are about you, how screwed you are as a person and how pathetic you are at the moment.. and still take it positively — with no trace of bitterness or hatred.
One of the biggest regrets I’ve had in life is putting myself into a situation where I looked like an open wound. It was very humiliating. An embarrassing moment that torched my heart with so much pain and regrets. I doomed the day I let myself sat on that chair and talked to him. His voice was calm but it is in calmness that you feel the impact of the words being thrown at you. Or it must have been the cold air-conditioned room and the fact that other people are just on the next cubicle and they could hear what was discussed..Or maybe I’m just really like how I’ve always described it, open wound—fresh from the hard fought battle of meeting the metrics and exceeding the performance.. And because I had an open wound or I was an open wound — all the salty words and sour comments that came out of his mouth hit me like it was a gun on my head. Bulls-eye!!
It was the most painful part of one’s career. Being questioned on what you do by someone you’re not even directly reporting to and points out to you all your flaws as a person and as a professional woman. That just ripped me off. For someone who had always believed in her work and it’s contribution… I couldn’t help it. This whole confrontation thing is completely knocking me off balance. I’ve never been into situation like this. I’ve always taken full responsibility of my work and I have always brought with me pride in what I do. So I cried. Not the teary eyed kind of cry.. That tears, I just hold them back slightly. Lord only knows how much I tried to be calm in front of that man..That moment was taking everything in me not to show a pinch of weakness. So shameful to remember that I was like a child being scolded by somebody else’s parents in front of her playmates. To think I’m in a four cornered admin floor with computers and phones and white walls and I don’t have my supporters surrounding me..instead there's only some staff oriented folks whose ears and eyes silently listening and observing the entire conversation who look up to me at one point.
Maybe I did wrong which led to that conversation. I don’t know. It was part of me that has long been buried in the past..That I could no longer remember how it all happened. I have forgiven him after I got myself a good cry & a good sleep.. I have long forgiven him…but there’s one person I haven’t forgiven in a long time.. Myself. I hated myself for showing emotions, for being such a weak soul in my once world of little bitterness.
That was just 5 years ago. There’s no use of looking back.. Coz I was a different person then. Somehow, I’ve managed to be better at handling my emotions over a period of time. I have successfully convinced myself that I have forgiven him. And just out of nowhere, I am reminded of Morrie, ““It’s not just other people we need to forgive, we also need to forgive ourselves.”
Today when I look back, I am thankful that it happened. It taught me a life lesson. A Lesson that I won’t learn if I just sit there and think of a strategy on how to effectively manage my emotions and on how to speak out. Though I’ve left my first working station for more than three years now, I brought with me happy thoughts, countless memories, great friendships and good work ethics. And for me that has always been more than enough. ■
Nostalgic. That’s how I always describe it. To think of the good old days when all you wanna do is make others happy. When seeing someone smile is the best part of the day…When ending the day with a happy heart because you know that the day was never wasted because you’ve made a difference somehow with the people around you.. When you see yourself taking a pride with the work that you do…I loved what I do and I believed in what I do..and that has made all the difference during those days when I was too tired to get out of bed. I used to see the goodness in each person I meet in the hallway. I used to believe that someone could change, could improve and could be better. I used to believe that one day ill leave this place a lot better than I found it.
You see, those were all in the past tense. Those were the days. That was then. I woke up a lot of mornings since then and decided to be someone different than what and who I used to be. It’s hard being the one who always thinks on the positive side mainly because they think they can just tell you how fucked up they are about you, how screwed you are as a person and how pathetic you are at the moment.. and still take it positively — with no trace of bitterness or hatred.
One of the biggest regrets I’ve had in life is putting myself into a situation where I looked like an open wound. It was very humiliating. An embarrassing moment that torched my heart with so much pain and regrets. I doomed the day I let myself sat on that chair and talked to him. His voice was calm but it is in calmness that you feel the impact of the words being thrown at you. Or it must have been the cold air-conditioned room and the fact that other people are just on the next cubicle and they could hear what was discussed..Or maybe I’m just really like how I’ve always described it, open wound—fresh from the hard fought battle of meeting the metrics and exceeding the performance.. And because I had an open wound or I was an open wound — all the salty words and sour comments that came out of his mouth hit me like it was a gun on my head. Bulls-eye!!
It was the most painful part of one’s career. Being questioned on what you do by someone you’re not even directly reporting to and points out to you all your flaws as a person and as a professional woman. That just ripped me off. For someone who had always believed in her work and it’s contribution… I couldn’t help it. This whole confrontation thing is completely knocking me off balance. I’ve never been into situation like this. I’ve always taken full responsibility of my work and I have always brought with me pride in what I do. So I cried. Not the teary eyed kind of cry.. That tears, I just hold them back slightly. Lord only knows how much I tried to be calm in front of that man..That moment was taking everything in me not to show a pinch of weakness. So shameful to remember that I was like a child being scolded by somebody else’s parents in front of her playmates. To think I’m in a four cornered admin floor with computers and phones and white walls and I don’t have my supporters surrounding me..instead there's only some staff oriented folks whose ears and eyes silently listening and observing the entire conversation who look up to me at one point.
Maybe I did wrong which led to that conversation. I don’t know. It was part of me that has long been buried in the past..That I could no longer remember how it all happened. I have forgiven him after I got myself a good cry & a good sleep.. I have long forgiven him…but there’s one person I haven’t forgiven in a long time.. Myself. I hated myself for showing emotions, for being such a weak soul in my once world of little bitterness.
That was just 5 years ago. There’s no use of looking back.. Coz I was a different person then. Somehow, I’ve managed to be better at handling my emotions over a period of time. I have successfully convinced myself that I have forgiven him. And just out of nowhere, I am reminded of Morrie, ““It’s not just other people we need to forgive, we also need to forgive ourselves.”
Today when I look back, I am thankful that it happened. It taught me a life lesson. A Lesson that I won’t learn if I just sit there and think of a strategy on how to effectively manage my emotions and on how to speak out. Though I’ve left my first working station for more than three years now, I brought with me happy thoughts, countless memories, great friendships and good work ethics. And for me that has always been more than enough. ■
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